The big beauty of a forty day meditation is that at some point you meet yourself. Full on, naked, self-confrontation. Delivered to your current reality without any bells and whistles.
When it happens it can be awful, full of strong emotions, anger and deep sadness, awareness of one’s conditioned tendencies, damaging behaviour against oneself or projected onto others, awareness of a sense of injustice and of righteousness – in one big whallop!
How is it that we don’t notice our reality all of the time? How is it that we build distance from ourselves?
Welcome to your Mask. That which you present to the world. That identity you believe you are through and through only to find out you are not.
For me this was day 9. This is what all the distractions were trying to avoid me contacting. So much energy trying to avoid my hidden self? Turns out I am controlling. I control myself and others so that I can maintain my deeply invested personality.
Here is an excerpt from diary on day 9.
I scream! ______________________ but nothing comes out. My voice is gone. I am so angry that I have no voice, that I cannot scream, that I try and scream even louder. The futility is absurd, bonkers! But my tantrum has only just begun – this silent violent tirade, this refusal to surrender to the reality, the repressed emotion now on the surface for me to see and feel in full view.
I can feel that I am in the way of the natural flow. I can feel the assertion for control not acceptance. I can feel how I block my way by mistaking ‘doing’ for ‘being’. I notice that my motives are a major contributor to the predicament. I am frustrated at having a motive to begin with. Even the best warrior would fail under these conditions. It occurs to me I could free myself of all expectations, release any tenuous grip I have and roll with it. I realise the futility of this fight. Can I let go of controlling this moment? Can I let go of having no voice? Can I let go of the river bank and return to the flow of the river?
As I viscerally feel the letting go, I feel the rush of water take me and a clear relaxation. There is so much effort and hard work and tension involved in maintaining my high level of distraction and control and fighting. The permanent hyper-vigilant warrior. Exhausting.
Letting the water take me – it feels so nice…I keep practicing imaging in my mind’s eye the fear and effort of holding on the river bank, feeling the strong flow but resisting and then the moment when I let go and I feel the wonder of being carried on my back along the natural course, relaxing into the way.
So what is this all about exactly?
Between the ages of 0-7 years we create the means to avoid feelings we don’t want to experience again, in a bid to ensure our safety and comfort. A primal reaction to not being hugged when we felt we needed it, or being shamed and trying to escape the feelings that ensue. So we distort ourselves to bring out a desired reaction from those around us whose attention we most need. This process creates an imaginary personality to satisfy the agenda.
To cope with the pressure of the real self and the world, we then project our mask to the public rather than bear the discomfort of our reality and the simple radiance of our real identity.
As we emerge as adults this mask we have invested in for so long is pretty much our modus operandi. So natural and familiar to us that we believe wholeheartedly that this is who we are, this is how the world is. Even when we have the awareness to see through the mask and beyond it, just knowing that we are acting falsely doesn’t make it easier to let go of it. It’s terribly painful and incredibly frightening because we don’t know who we are without the mask and for most of us the energy and time it takes to keep the front up is more appealing than delivering ourselves to our own true front door and standing in it.
The truth is, of course, that only by breaking the mask do we allow the full flow of compassion and love that awaits us all the time. To so determinedly work to keep this experience of wholeness literally out of us is hard to believe until you have the direct experience of doing just so. Plainly bonkers and yet our wounds unerring in their navigation of avoidance, of being affected, keep us about a metre from ourselves all the time.
Of course, really we are not afraid of wholeness, we are afraid of the fall that takes us there. The fall of the shackles that tie us to our ideas of ourselves, the fall from where we think we are and where we actually are, the fall of lies and hypocrisy and the fall of all that we have known to this point.
It’s the fall that delivers you to grace.
It’s the existential “la petite mort”.
When the capacity to let go of the status quo arrives we contact the expanded Self. Grace fills us and serves not only ourself but also those we witness are hiding still. No longer do their obvious performances gripe at us. We know how terrifying a journey it can be, we know no one else can tell us to RELAX or LET GO, and that other people’s unhelpful judgements only make us hold tighter and become more afraid. It’s because we know the longer we hold on in life refusing to give way to the flow of life the greater the anticipation of the fall and the more we hold on, the more we manipulate all that we can around us to support our world view. It’s because we know all this, not in our intellect but in our flesh, in our heart, and in our experience, that we feel compassion, patience and love for those who are not ready. It also develops our radiance within ourselves to prepare for the next mask to be revealed. Yeah… We have many masks… Soz! I invite you to get weeding…! Here’s how,
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Breaking the Mask Meditation 31 mins
The most effective approach to break the masks of your imaginary personality is by meditation. You confront the thoughts from the hidden personality at the root as they arise.
This meditation helps us must break the imagery imprinted through self-hypnotic trances started in childhood. The heart centre must open and relate beyond the pain or fear in that imprint.
Posture: Sit in Easy Pose with a straight spine.
Mudra: The heels of the hands are together in front of the heart center in an open lotus. The sides of the thumb tips meet, as do the sides of the little fingers. All the fingers are open and spread but are not stiffly held. It looks like an open flower. The fingers point upward.
Eyes: 1/10th open, or as you like.
Breath:
Part 1: Prepare to chant the mantra with this segmented pranayam. Inhale one-third of the way and hold for 15 seconds. Inhale another one-third and hold 15 seconds. Inhale completely and suspend for a final 15 seconds, then exhale. Continue for 15 minutes. (With practice, this sequence of inhaling and suspending the breath can be taken up to three 20 second holds.)
Part 2: Chant the mantra for 11 minutes.
Part 3: Repeat Part 1 for 5 more minutes.
Total Time: 31 minutes.
Mantra: Chant the following mantra in a steady pace and in a tune you like that preserves its beat.
Har Jee Har Har Har Har Har Jee
Comments:
The mantra has a double form—the palindromic sequence of sounds—manifests the state of creative Infinity itself. It opens your soul to be real and your mind to link effectively to your real identity.
In the mudra, the thumbs connect to represent “I am” and the little fingers “I shall be.” The three fingers that are open represent the past, present and future.
So between how you are and how your soul will bloom, all of time serves you. It is a mudra for your connection and flow of life from your essence; its subtle and electromagnetic form adjusts the projection of the heart centre and lets your words go deeply into your mind to guide your new behaviours.
BodyMind Blessings
Sally
